It’s amazing the power of tears
Yesterday was a hard day, it was the first full day of the kids being back from their grandparents house. They had been there for spring break, and had had a blast with the cousins and each other, with only one “breakdown day” when my oldest called to let me know she had a hard day and was experiencing the residual effects of a panic attack. It seems to always be a bit hard the first couple of days when we are all together. The kids getting back into the routine of family life and us parents getting back into the routine of having three kids back after a week of relative quiet and calmness.
Anxiety and panic attacks have been a part of my life story and though I don’t have to deal with them much anymore I do have triggers that will increase my anxiety and cause me to react. My reactions lately are to go to the person that caused the anxiety spike and give them a piece of my mind. This tends to release the pent up emotions along with a good cry, but then I tend to feel bad afterwards for “letting them have it” when it might not have been just what they did that caused the anxiety to spike in the first place. For instance: yesterday morning the subject of the kids towels was brought up. With my hubby doing a lot of the laundry lately he noticed the kids use a lot of towels. So he brought it up to them, they went into the “blame game” which meant they stopped listening to what my hubby was saying, which frustrated him and made the yelling start. I hate when people yell, so I started to get worked up, which didn’t help matters at all. To make it worse we were leaving soon after to go to church and my mindset wasn’t there anymore. After we got back from church, all was calm until the “say thank you to your brother” problem came up. My daughter has an issue with being forced to do things. Me telling her she needed to say thank you was one of those things. That was my last straw. I was already still worked up from the morning, I still was thinking about the breakdown that had happened while the kids were at their grandparents, and then when my daughter didn’t want to do what I was “forcing” her to do I was done. I did not do what my devotion I had read told me to do. I thought I was going into the conversation with love but instead I went in telling my daughter all the ways she was wrong.
There was no patience, kindness or gentleness in my tone. I definitely did not use all of the self control I could have used. I also didn’t give myself enough time to calm down. This momma missed the mark on a few of the “fruits of the spirit”. What this also made me realize is that I was not taking care of myself. I was allowing myself to get worked up when the yelling started and when the disrespect showed it’s face. Self care is extremely important and so before I went back in to talk to my daughter, I went out back and had a good cry. I had a good slam to my door, and I had a good heart to heart with God. I let Him know exactly where I stood on this whole momma and wife gig. I told Him I didn’t want to do it anymore, that it was too hard, that no one listens anyways and that what I did didn’t matter. The people in my family were going to do what they were going to do regardless of what I say. And you know what? God spoke to my heart and said “exactly”, the people in my home are individuals that have their own thoughts and beliefs. They are not little “mini me’s” and that is why this job is so hard, but I don’t have to do it alone, and I am not alone. Funny thing is, I opened my devotion up to Monday’s devotion and it was about the “self-centered outlook”. You know how you fix that? By helping others, but in order to help others you need to be right with yourself. Philippians 2:3-4 says:
Let nothing be done through selfish ambition or conceit but in lowliness of mind let each esteem others better than himself. Let each of you look out not only for his own interests, but also for the interests of others. I had a talk with my family after my talk with my daughter. I had to because it was important for me to find that joy again. So I let them know I am always here for them. I will love them and I will pray for them. I let them know I will not stay in the room though when yelling starts, and I will speak my mind (with love) when disrespect happens. I can't be there for my family when I am not taking care of myself. My job as a wife and momma is to be their rock, and so I must lean on my own Rock to do my job well. My platform for peace is prayer, and my stronghold is Christ. People will let me down, but I know that no matter what happens Christ is always with me and will give me the strength I need when I "just don't wanna" anymore. Until next time:
But those who wait on the Lord shall renew their strength; they shall mount up with wings like eagles, they shall run and not be weary, they shall walk and not faintIsaiah 40: 31